The Best Defense is No Offense

One piece of wisdom that has been of great use to me all my adult life is a quote attributed to Brigham Young, the gist of which is that anyone who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and anyone who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool. That outlook has spared me untold amounts of stress and anxiety.

Sometimes we find ourselves in a situation where words or deeds, or even looks or omissions, may seem to be cause for offense. When that happens, the party who gives the supposed offense has either done so deliberately, with the intent to offend, or unknowingly (even if perhaps ignorantly) but without any intent to offend. How, then, are we to analyze and determine the appropriate response?

If someone has done something that seems to be an offense, but it seems to have been the result of accident, mistake or ignorance, it may well be appropriate to discuss it with the supposed offender, especially if a friend or family member, to clear up any misunderstandings and avoid damage to the relationship. But taking offense when none is intended makes about as much sense as wetting oneself down with the garden hose because there are clouds in the sky and it looks like it might rain. The offense exists on only one side of the equation: in the mind or emotion of the one offended. It was not in the package when it left the sender; it was added by the recipient.

But what of the person who knowingly and intentionally sets out to offend, saying or doing something the very purpose of which is to cause offense? That is where it is most important to retain control of our feelings on the matter. If the other person desires to offend, and we take offense, we have in effect given him or her exactly what was wanted. We have allowed the offender to achieve his or her desired result. Worse yet, we have ceded control of our feelings to another person, one who wishes to do them harm. That is about like lending your dog to someone who you know plans to beat him with a stick.

I refuse to let someone else decide how I am going to feel.

When my children were young, I would often hear the usual childhood refrain of complaints of offense. "Daddy, he said I am ugly!" "Daddy, she called me stupid!" "Daddy, he said I stink!" My responses would be, "You aren't ugly, so don't worry about it." "Do you think you are stupid?" "No." "Then don't worry about it." "Do you stink? If so, then go take a shower. If not, then don't worry about it." Being the Dad, of course, I would then, if it seemed appropriate, tell the other to knock off the meanness, but the important message was to just blow off the supposed offense.

I ask myself the same questions. If someone suggests something about me, I ask, "Do I really stink? Did I really do something inappropriate? Was I out of line?" If so, then I need to fix it, without offense. If not, then that is over.

I am not suggesting that calumny be permitted to stand unanswered. I am talking about feelings.

I have had people ask, concerned, if they offended me with some unintentional slight or misplaced comment. I often reply that I am none too bright, so if someone wishes to offend me, they need to make sure and do it correctly. First, tell me you intend to offend me, so I can be sure and watch for it. Then, do it clearly and unmistakably. Last, after you are done, make sure and tell me what you did and why, so I can be sure of your intention to offend. Failing that, I am probably going to assume that it was just an accident, an oversight, a misunderstanding or a momentary lapse in decorum, and will miss the offense entirely.

And then, even if all those steps are carefully followed, I decline to be offended. Why should I let someone else decide how I feel?