Whether a romantic evening out before surprising your spouse with divorce papers, or simply because those Wienerschnitzel coupons on your refrigerator aren't going to cash themselves, going out to eat is one of the more common pastimes for much of the Western world (the term "Western world" here being used in the European influence sense and not the "This here town ain't big enough fer both'a us." Just wanted to be clear on that.)
Going out to eat isn't as simple as leaving your front door and finding a candle-lit table waiting for you. No, it requires an amount of planning, some finesse for pairing restaurant with occasion and food types with dietary needs. An important business meeting with a wealthy client could go horribly wrong if the luncheon includes reaching into the Pick Your Own Gator tank. Conversely, a simple craving for a hot dog should not involve waiters who make more than you do.
My advice (unsolicited and presumptuous, but also predicated on the belief that my readers are incapable of making even the most basic decisions without a great deal of help) has been laid before you in an easy-to-use guide. Print it out, carry it in your purse, your wallet or even man-purse and reference it whenever you find yourself planning to dine out. These tips have been compiled out of necessity after many years of trial and error.
Choosing Where To Eat
- DO read reviews of restaurants from a variety of sources
DON’T dine anywhere frequently mentioned in local obituaries - DO know your budget and plan your dining accordingly
DON’T assume any meal can be exchanged for a rare Pokemon card - DO be open to trying new foods and ethnic dishes
DON’T be open to eating head cheese. Just don’t do it. Ever - DO consider a restaurant for its style and ambiance
DON’T consider a restaurant entirely for its employee to cleavage ratio - DO try to dine at a local, family-owned establishment
DON’T dine at a restaurant where mafia guys have been known to disappear”
Making Healthy Choices
- DO order your salad dressing on the side to avoid extra calories
DON’T order your salad dressing in a punchbowl with a straw - DO choose your meal from the menu instead of the all-you-can-eat buffet
DON’T choose to seat yourself at the all-you-can-eat buffet - DO order water or unsweetened tea instead of soda
DON’T ask for extra mayonnaise to be added to any beverage - DO take advantage of the selection at the salad bar
DON’T misinterpret a salad bar as an open invitation to dine with Mr. Sniffle, your pet rabbit - DO politely decline when the dessert tray is wheeled over
DON’T appropriate the dessert tray as your personal go-cart
Basic Dining Etiquette
- DO call ahead and ask if the restaurant requires a jacket
DON’T call ahead and ask if the restaurant requires pants. Just assume they do - DO unfold the napkin and place it in your lap
DON’T unfold the napkin, cut out eye holes and wear it while robbing the restaurant - DO use the appropriate utensils (i.e. salad fork, soup spoon, etc.)
DON’T use spoons as tiny catapults to launch an assault against nearby tables - DO be fair when tipping your server
DON’T misread the 12 percent gratuity as a 12-cent gratuity - DO send along your compliments to the chef for a lovely meal
DON’T ask if the chef will allow you to violate the restraining order just this once
With these tips, your evening at that exclusive restaurant will be memorable and your fast food binges will be slightly less-shameful. While this advice is free for you, please send along any leftovers you have after dining out. I'm not proud, I'll take whatever you have, whether it has bites taken out of it or smells of motor oil after dropping the to-go box in the street.
