The Few, The Proud, The Entitled

Every year I promise myself that I'll write The Epistle, my annual holiday rant, early and avoid the inevitable pressure of trying to type while wrapping gifts. Yet, every year it seems that we get a November surprise. And this year was no different.

The unexpected gift arrived all decked out with four stars and a cabinet post. Although, technically, not a surprise to Retired Army Gen. David Petraeus.

Apparently Petraeus had been getting his for some time. His resignation from his CIA director post, however, came as a terrific diversion from post-election gloating and listening to the endless droning of San Francisco Giants fans on how they're, once again, number one.

While the comparisons to Melrose Place and The Bad Husband (I'm not sure that one is currently airing) are obvious, I prefer to take the high road. My love of new places, not withstanding, I thought it would be nice for some to take a look at the bright side ... military enrollment.

Now bear with me for a moment. Since the news hit, a lot of people, women included, have offered up the old combat-zone excuse. "He was under a lot of pressure," and "It's different when you're stationed halfway round the globe."

Okay, then let's give him a pass. In fact, let's give all service people a pass. Think of the advertising possibilities. But we'll need a few guidelines. Let me suggest the following:

• Privates: One dalliance per quarter stateside, two if stationed in Middle East 
• Non-Commissioned Officers: Two weekends per month including one conjugal Jeep visit  
• Officers: Nightly visits with one weekend sleepover
• Colonels, Generals and Secretaries: "The Full Monty" includes all of the above, plus unlimited emails, access to social media, Skype and a book deal
• Optional: Naked pictures of an FBI guy

Oh, and for those folks who consider this whole episode a "tragedy," think again. Better still, think for the first time. A tragedy is a solider coming home without a limb or in a box. This was a very public and very troubling abuse of power ... our brave service people deserve better. At least, that's what I think.