Although my children were born into a world touched by the devastation and terror of 9/11, they have been untouched by hatred or violence of any kind.

So as we approached the 10th anniversary of the worst terror atttack in the history of the country, I was torn. I felt the weight of the anniversary and wanted to do something to recognize the importance of what happened.

What to do? Protect their innocence or open their eyes?

I decided to talk to them about it. So on 9/11, I asked them what they had heard about the deadly attacks a decade ago. I shared with them what I had learned about the hijacking of the planes and the destruction they caused in New York City, the Pentagon and in Shanksville. My youngest child asked me why, and I could not answer her. We kept the conversation short.

That night when I went to bed, I formulated a plan for the next day. I wanted it to be a Zen day. A day of peace and love. A day to enjoy nature, art and music.

Instead, it was a frustrating day of bickering and petty annoyances. I had a headache for most of the day and was so tired I took a nap in the afternoon.

That night, I told my girls that I wanted us to do something after they brushed their teeth. My older daughter asked, “what?” I told her I wanted to talk about something, and she rolled her eyes.

After we were ready for bed, I lit some candles and turned off the lights. I told them I wanted us to each think about one thing we could do to share love and peace in the world. We stretched our bodies and thought, and then each of us shared our idea and lit a candle.

We lit candles for kindness, patience, and helping people; then we continued to talk. We had more ideas about how to spread peace and love.

After that, my older daughter suggested we each name a fear and blow out a candle to blow away that fear. So we blew away meanness, misunderstanding and violence. Then together we picked war and having enemies, and we blew those away, too.

We left three candles glowing as we climbed into bed for story time.

How have you educated your children about 9/11?

Thanks to Kim Ratcliff for last week’s Moms Talk question: Do you think parenting has reached a state of paranoia? Should we watch over our children Big Brother-style?

Here’s what some readers had to say:

Kristina Strand

8:46am on Wednesday, September 7, 2011

I have three sons, all of whom look very much alike, but who might as well be from three different planets. I do not think on-size-fits-all. My response to each of them when I hear: "that's not fair, you didn't make so-and-so do that!", is "you are different people and we parent each of you as best we can". That being said, thus far trust has worked out pretty well for us, so long as it is not violated. We provide clear boundaries, which widen as each of our sons develop (this is not always at the same chronological speed). Our boys know we care, that we are watching, and that when there is a consequence (whether natural or imposed by us) it is almost certainly because they have overstepped a boundary which was clear to them, and which they chose to overstep. For us, parenting is neither policing nor is it closing our eyes. For us it is an every-changing job which requires communication, love, trust and vigilance.

LG2010

9:16am on Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Obviously your child is young and you can joke about it. But just wait until he is in high school - things will change. Kids are much smarter and more resourceful today. There is an abundance of drugs at Los Gatos High School, and anyone who disagrees is in denial. They say they are going to a friend's house, then end up at a party. I've even heard of parents who allow their kids to drink at home "because at least they are safe here."
Yes, you have to aware of your kids’ moods and activities. Verify and confirm everything. You may think that your kid is a "good kid" but even the good kids are doing stupid things!

Mary Smith

1:07pm on Wednesday, September 7, 2011

When my daughter was in high school, she had a friend who stole from me. I will call this friend Kathy. She was 15 at the time.

What Kathy stole was not valuable - only a blush compact from my medicine cabinet. But it was brand new, and its disappearance was hugely obvious - especially since I went into the bathroom and noticed it was gone immediately after Kathy came out of the bathroom!

I confronted her right on the spot. She was embarrassed, started crying, but was actually relieved and grateful!

Kathy's mother had let her do whatever she pleased. Kathy had no boundaries or curfews. And you know what? Kathy HATED it! She had all this freedom, which kids THINK they want. But she didn't have the maturity to manage her life. She WANTED the structure and she said so! She truly wished her mother "would care enough to say no once in a while".

Kids not only NEED boundaries - they WANT them. They just don't always know it!

Maaliea Wilbur

9:49pm on Wednesday, September 7, 2011

What a great conversation you started Kim! I think monitoring children and teens in today's society is a must! Working as a teen therapist in LG, it has become clear that teens crave boundaries and structure in all areas of their lives. Unfortunately, due to the high demands of modern day parents, teens aren't getting what they need and are having to learn the hard way...eventually making their way into my office and onto my couch. I agree that as a community, it is time to not only recognize the drug and alcohol problem amongst our teens but to do something about it. Due to my passion for this concern, I recently launched an intensive therapeutic substance abuse program for teens and their families.

To learn more go to www.therapyworksoflosgatos.com